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When I reference "ways" in this section, please let that word be as big and inclusive as your mind will allow.
Our ways stem from a vast ocean of inspiration, and so we shouldn't narrow this topic to religion or spirituality, although those obviously should be included. We adopt our "ways" from culture, life experience, friends and family, education, and much more.
You have every right to your ways, and so do others. Just remember that, in participating in their dying journey, you have entered their sacred space.
Honoring Vs. Adopting
As we approach end-of-life, ours or someone else's, our ways can be both friend and foe, and it isn't always a simple task to align them with our "best intentions". If someone has a way which differs from ours, it can be tricky to honor both their way and ours, at the same time. After all, if their ways matter, so do ours. I'd like you to start with this thought: Borders are those areas which both differentiate and unite us. The fence between my neighbor's yard and mine divides our yards, but also marks the point where our yards come together. It is possible to enjoy my yard, and also look over the fence to see how my neighbor is enjoying their yard. It doesn't mean we need to plant the same flowers or even both have gardens.
This is the difference between honoring ways and adopting ways. I'll use spirituality for an example here, just because it is common and easy to understand. If you and I have different spiritual beliefs, perhaps even contradictory beliefs, can we find a fence which allows us each to honor someone else's ideas without feeling like we need to practice in a different way or work to "correct" them? Can we allow others to pursue their "truths"? I certainly hope so. This is one of the biggest hurdles for some to cross, so let's take a look at some different aspects to this point.
A devout Pagan, but those around her are all Christian...
A family that communes around their meals, but one of them is dying and has no appetite...
A relationship with a partner some don't approve of...
An individual with a strong political affiliation that can be divisive...
Someone wants to be embalmed, but others disagree with the practice...
Who Takes Priority?
Let's take the first example above. Your friend is a devout Pagan, and you are a devout Christian. She is dying. Your belief system disagrees with hers to the point that it might actually start to concern you. Are you wrong for worrying? No! Is it appropriate for you to take every opportunity to "save" her? No!
So then, who takes priority in situations like this? You both do, so respect the fence. You have every right to your belief system, and so does your friend - just remember that in participating in her dying journey, you have entered her sacred space. The easiest way to respect the fence is to flip the scenario. Let's say that you were dying and your Pagan friend came to visit you. Would you think it appropriate for her to take every opportunity to convince you of how wrong your Christian beliefs are? Would you want her standing over your bed, calling down the Goddess, and working magical spells to help guide your soul? After you die, would you want her to speak of your soul as though it was guided by your ancestors to the Summerland? These probably wouldn't be the most respectful or comforting experiences. Now flip the scenario back, and apply this lesson. In this example, spiritual faith is the fence. You both can come to the fence, look into the other's yard, maybe even shake hands, and then go back to your yard.
But let's explore the opportunity of permission.
"I know our spiritual beliefs are very different. Would it be okay if I pray for you in a way that I understand?"
We can also look to the opportunity of understanding.
Although we have very different spiritual beliefs, I hope you know that I want only the best for you. My tradition leaves me concerned, but maybe you can tell me more about your tradition, so that I might understand what you are looking forward to.
Of course, neutrality is the simplest approach.
I care very much about you, and want only the best for you. I hope that is exactly what you find.
Honoring ways is about simple respect. Because we cannot always rely on that, plan ahead and ensure your ways are known, legally binding (as much as possible), and supported by the right caretakers.
Protecting Your Ways
We've looked at different approaches to use when confronting (or remaining neutral) in cases of differing ways. But that assumes everyone will always be respectful, and honor our ways. Sometimes that's just not practically going to happen. We should all make an effort to ensure our ways are honored in our death walk. Here are some suggestions to get you started.
Make it known - If you have a "way" that is important to you, it would be a good idea to ensure others either know of, or have a method to learn of this priority. Maybe you can just tell people - "I am in a relationship with so-and-so, and they are very important to me." Maybe you can't safely do that, so you might need to be creative. Maybe all you can do is record it in a death journal (that people know about and can find). If nobody knows about your way, you cannot very well expect it to be honored.
Make it legal - You can speak with the appropriate party to ensure that, legally, your way will be honored. For example, go to your bank and designate a beneficiary on your accounts. Speak with an attorney to write a proper will. Talk with a doctor and be specific with instructions. Work with a licensed funeral director and pre-plan your arrangements.
Designate the right caretakers - Different caretakers might have different roles, and together they make up your team. If you trust one person to make the correct difficult medical decisions, but they are not respectful of your belief system, maybe ask someone else to oversee things like writing your obituary (or maybe write your own).
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